Mountain Bird Designs’ Business Bags are designed to keep you organized, as shown on TV. Just kidding. As shown in the picture. But there are some things that even an ultra-organized bag can’t prevent.
Here are 10 nightmares that I hope will never happen to you. Well, some of them aren’t really nightmares. More like aggravations. Still.
1. Condoms rain from the sky and land in your bag and you don’t even know it. It may be hard to believe but this really happened to me. The tragic event occurred during a Centers for Disease Control public health satirical skit performed by graduating Epidemic Intelligence Service Officers. (How nerdy am I to be in that gang?) For some reason which I cannot remember, folks came running down the aisles throwing condoms everywhere. Seems extremely odd, right? Well yes. But CDC is all about prevention ya know. Back to the story. I didn’t know it at the time but several of the condoms landed in the outside pocket of my bag. When going through security for my flight back home my bag fell forward on the scanning belt. And 3 condoms shot out and rolled along the belt for everyone to see. I could read the thought balloons and they weren’t super nice. Except one person looked amused. I didn’t even try to explain it. No one would have believed me anyway.
2. The lid on your water bottle isn’t tight and before you know it your purse becomes a sea of mess. Sound familiar? Sure sounds familiar to me.
3. You are waltzing around the department store and somehow your bag strap gets tangled on a clothes rack, bringing the entire rack to the floor. Not only do you look like a klutz who has created a mess but the sound of the metal rack and hangers scattering everywhere make people think three plate glass windows have just exploded and everyone is running for cover. (Unlikely, but stranger things have happened, right?)
4. Your phone is ringing while you are driving. You can’t take your eyes off the road so you are scrambling around inside your bag to no avail. (Kudos to you for driving safely.) But alas, you miss the call only to find out later that you had won a “major award.” Because you missed the call the runner up got lucky. (But in my humble opinion it is better to miss getting your award than croaking off because you weren’t driving safely. Just sayin. And you wouldn’t get the award anyway.)
5. You are being interviewed for a new job and as you pull out your resume you see that jujubes have fallen out of the pack and attached themselves to your resume. Do people even hire someone who eats jujubes at our age? (No judgement here. But I would recommend keeping them out of your bag if jujubes are your thing.)
6. You carry around a second pair of underwear just in case the worst happens. (You know what I mean.) And then the worst thing does happen. Where in the hell are you gonna stash that sweet little thing now? I wish I could say this never happened to me.
7. You are sitting at a meeting with your peers and you forget to turn your cell phone off . All of a sudden your son’s ringtone kicks in. Unfortunately, it is the obnoxious one he set up for you. “Mom! Momma! Mommy! Mom!” You cannot find the phone in the dark abyss of your bag! The “ringing” (really it was more like shouting) finally quits and you look up to see that your peers seem to be looking at you in a different way than before the phone catastrophe occurred. (Ummm. This actually did happen to me. But only once.)
8. A (thankfully) unused tampon somehow gets attached to your calendar and is literally hanging by a string as you pull out your calendar and put it on the meeting room table. (I am exceptionally pleased to announce that this never happened to me.)
9. You are in the movie theater and are fumbling in the dark to find your chapstick. You find it and put it on your lips. It tastes horrible – like elmer’s glue! That is because it is. Now what? Are your lips gonna stay glued together? Probably not unless it is super glue of some sort. In that case, you better head over to the emergency room.
10. You go to one of your favorite stores to shop because they have a crazy discount sale and you found some treasures that you have been eyeing for awhile. After standing in the check-out line for who knows how long, its your turn. No! It can’t be true! Your credit card is nowhere to be seen. After what feels like an eternity you finally find it in the abyss of darkness at the bottom of your bag. You don’t dare to turn around and look at the folks behind you because you can already feel and smell the stink eye. (Ok, is there actually anyone out there that never experienced this? )
It is my fervent wish that none of these distressing things happen to you. But some of them may already have occurred. I share your sorrow. I hope you are over the trauma now. At least you never had to deal with raining condoms.
If you are feeling brave share your nightmare story here. We won’t laugh (too much).